Manzoku and Black Mist

I'll add more along these lines later...But yeah. I suspect it's just the three months since seeing her...But, idk. I think the reason my mind wanders, so to speak, is due to my lack of experiences; that is, I've only gone out with three people ever. By comparison, I dare say that most people, before finding said person they consider they might go further than just a regular relationship, have dated double digit amounts, or at least very close to. Heck, let's scrap the first one for sake of argument, since that only lasted a few weeks and I didn't really know what the hell I was doing. That means, I've only been with 2 females (and, as things stand, it'll probably stay that way). It's a weird situation to be in, as I have so little room for comparison/ have already found said person potentially. Not that there is anything wrong with that; hell, things couldn't really have worked out much better than things have. But nevertheless...I just find myself nitpicking things here and there that could be better, pretty much all of which she has no control over. At the same time, I see certain other females and wish she(being the initial she, not the females mentioned here) had those physical features. And it bothers me that I think that. Every single time. Again, I suspect the problem is that I've only been with two females, and thus haven't sort of had my fill of different relationships. Now, that being said, at the same time I think of the physical features, I realize all the baggage/reasons why I wouldn't necessarily want to, in a theoretical sense, date that person. Plus, I realize the COPIOUS amounts of positives that I've experienced in my current relationship. Intelligent, almost as competitive as I am (and that is saying something), playful, hard-working, pretty hot (I think part of it too is, still, the clothes thing at times. Not that it is a big deal, relatively speaking, of course), emotionally stable, trustworthy, etc. If one weighed the good vs. the "bad" (there isn't really anything bad at all...rather just stuff that would make things "perfect"[again, I don't have the experience to realize that seeking perfection is a really fucking stupid way of going about things]), the good would crush the "bad" into subatomic particles. I think I just need to learn to be satisfied with how good things are, and not worry so much about how things could be better with person X or Y; that being said, it should be noted that "satisfied" does not equal "settling" (in terms of connotation). Also, it's not like I don't feel bad for having these thoughts, particularly when they're unchangeable things (sure, a cup size higher would be cool, but really, is it that big a deal? It sure has hell shouldn't be, vs. everything else). Plus, to look at the reverse, I'm no perfect guy myself for fricks' sake.Meh. I'll probably ask AC about it at some point, as far as if other people have similar thoughts (I suspect they do). Until then....


Also, shells are a frickin' pain in the ass to purchase (I don't want a pound of shells, kthanx).

Sore

The title sort of says it all. Played tennis for the first time since strengthening my arms/wrists. Didn't try anything too fancy, so hard to tell to what degree my strength has increased, but didn't have any wrist soreness afterwards (which, if it continues to not show up, would indicate that the increased muscle mass does help stabilize the wrist, as previously suspected). Otherwise, app stuff and more ER. -fingers crossed for interesting cases / actually shadowing with the docs-

Also, there was a particularly bizarre dream last night....but I can't remember it :/. Alas. Also, need to keep trying that trick from the one EMH episode on dreams (that is, eat chocolate before going to sleep).

Anyways, off to sleep.

Unresolved - What Waits Beyond the Horizon

Perhaps it is just the time of night/morning, but an uneasy feeling persists, as is the case from time to time. Don't really know why....But it is there. Paranoia? Maybe. Just feels like something is coming....Whatever the heck that means, if anything.

These apps need to be done with and senior year...I am both interested and hesitant. If previous cycles are any indication(6th, 9th, 12th), this will be the culmination of everything from these past three years. What that could entail...we'll see.

Is it nervousness? Perhaps. But the feeling, the more one thinks about it, just grows more and more. Perhaps I should distract my mind from this feeling, somehow. Hopefully sleep will cause this feeling to disperse.

Dream On 2.0

To my knowledge, no dream(s) last night. Bummer. Path lab went well (amputated leg...AWESOME). Still, doesn't feel like I've had time to relax, so much as time to attempt to recover for the next shift. Have a primary care shift from 9 until who knows later today, then relaxation time. Going to finish SD/AM(the key problem being what final pieces to put in), begin the initial testing, and, finally, play some Wii(TS3, thy name is a-calling, even if it means your memory card is shot and I must start again[which I wouldn't necessarily mind doing for the...third time, perhaps?]).

Hoping to get some dreams tonight, so going to bed now(to get just under 5 hours of rest) is a good idea. Plus, eating some chocolate (raisins) before bed, which from personal experience and from EMH, seems to help with dreams. Here's hoping for a happy/interesting one...We shall see.

Dream On

Another dull day at the hospital. Meh. Still, better than the previous evening's supply stocking. Still getting over strep. Woot for no meningitis. Path lab in the morning, which I'd be looking forward to more if not for the previous two shifts at the hospital(and then lectures in the evening and then waking up at 7 on Thursday for primary care doc.

In other news, getting restless for school again. Having "off" is all well and good, particularly after the MCATs, but it's getting close to boring; though, with the Wii back in working order, after having not played for over a year, it'll be good to play it again.

Can't remember if it was the night of re-reading the card, or after that, but seem to remember having a dream with said person in it. Meh. It's just...unsatisfying, I guess? I want closure, but it just doesn't seem there. Meh. Someday, hopefully. Unlikely.

Going to try and get back to using this for its original purpose as a dream log, particularly after that one dream a little bit ago, which I cannot mention mainly due to its graphic nature(no, not violence.) and involving a person whom might read this. But I digress. We'll see if I actually keep to that goal.

"It is said that in the final days of planet Earth, everyone had bad dreams."

Still haven't gotten around to thoughts. Procrastination, as usual. Last night was interesting. Read over the card again. It's really just a matter of timing, perhaps. Maybe. Someday I'll thank her because, without a doubt, I wouldn't be the person that I am, or have been in the situations that I have been, if not for her.

Also, particularly weird dream last evening. I remember parts of it, though I'm afraid those bits aren't exactly things to be posting on here. Should be interesting, for lack of better words, to see if they recur.

That's it for now. Going to try not to get strep/sick.

Graceful Revival

Back again, after a long while. I still am not sure why I'm still writing this whole thing, though I suppose just maintaining one's thoughts on "paper" is slightly good enough...Will write more later, but it's too damn hot. Probably going to get some food soon-ish, though still not all that hungry, despite only eating a hoagie and quesadillas at 10 and 1ish, respectively. It's probably also the heat. Should be another quiet(read: dull-ish) evening, though I suppose I shouldn't complain too much. Good to hear from WM in the land of the setting Sun(sun sets in the west....Ok, not as clever as when I first thought it. Again, The Heat). More thoughts later on today/tomorrow, perhaps...Also, the sociopath book(much like I suppose with med students and thinking, oh, I've got this disease or that disease), I'm starting to think I have sociopathic tendencies. Or some mild attachment disorder. Or something. But who knows.

Ten Days Remain

Summer has begun. Mcat in ten days. Wish I had more time, but, simultaneously, want to continue with this momentum before I completely burn out. How worried I feel will probably depend on how I do in my practice exams these next few days.

I'll probably never get around to doing the third memoir-thing, but maybe someday. I'd like to at least; if nothing else, give a summary of the main events and major themes of sophomore and junior year. My memory has gotten quite terrible as of late.

I'll probably also get around to making analyses of this past year, and things going into senior year at some point. Probably after I can think properly again after this MCAT stuff is (hopefully) over.

The Intimacy of Tweezers?

Back again, kind of sort of. Been a busy couple of weeks, particularly as finals are steadily approaching, along with getting med school recommendations, my ILE paper, and MCAT studying.

I'll get back to explaining this day, along with recent events later. Off to hang out and play some cards. Until then...

Yoda's Yo-Yo

Will post eventually; going back to reading through articles for the ILE paper. Why can't the medical community just settle on one name for JIA...And on that note, gute Nacht for now...

Dreams in Darkness...

In hopes of not drifting in and out during Human Anatomy, deciding to get to bed very soon and will postpone writing until later in the day. Weird dream(s) yesterday, one part of which involved me turning a corner into a kitchen/room and, lo and behold, Mr. Faceless was there. Can't remember much of what happened after that, but remember something along the lines of being knocked to the floor...I certainly don't remember getting up after said point. I think that makes this dream number 2(that I can remember) involving him...Hopefully this whole thing doesn't turn out to be a Slenderblog...What a surprise twist!(But seriously, no.)

I've already typed more than I intended to, so might as well finish-ish. Once again, ignored-ish upon saying hi. Granted, we were crossing both crossing the always dangerous street, so not totally un-understandable that she would be especially focused on the road, but...Not sure whether I'm actually being logical or overly rationalizing...Idk. Again, I don't know what the root of this whole thing is, though I'd really like to know; that being said, I doubt I'll get an answer anytime soon and a direct approach would be, most likely, ill-welcomed. Guess, as before, we'll just have to be observant.

That's more or less it. A few comments on training at another point, but that can wait. Probably won't be able to make it "tomorrow" due to helping out with dorm stuff from 6:30-9. Also depends on studying and whatnot. Maybe if stuff ends early, I'll head there for a little bit before the show.

More thoughts for a later date, I suppose. Here's hoping my dream this evening is less faceless men and more relaxing...Or, if not relaxing, entertaining, at least.

Filler #3

Strange dreams last night. Have MCAT class in less than 20 min. Copious amounts of studying later. Will describe later on. Until then.

March towards Ragnarok

It's been an interesting past few days, for certain. I'll try to keep this short-ish.

Friday's show went fairly well, despite AC being out. Went to Ninjutsu before in what's been quite a while and it was certainly good to be back. It's definitely been missed, to say the least.

Last GWMS class went blah-ish. Speaking fails happened a-plenty. Not sure why exactly, but meh.

Another note to look out for...I think I touched on this in an earlier post, but, in case I didn't...I certainly do regret the whole way things have gone with AR...Suppose I've at least partly to blame for it. Meh. Seems things are going more downhill on that one. Not sure what I did, but it would seem I am being avoided. Again, wish I could do something, but, really, there isn't a whole lot I can do, without it seeming awkward. Guess we'll see how things go tomorrow in class and go from there, I guess...Once again, meh.

On all these fronts, I suppose we'll see how things go. Guess we'll more or less have to just go with the flow. Plus, I'm supposed to be receiving a call from my uncle about his wedding...Not the wedding itself, but something related. Apparently it's secret or something(that is, the subject of the call to me)...Seems extremely peculiar, but we'll see.

Also, here's hoping for an MH update tonight or, at the very least, tomorrow. Tomorrow certainly already has the makings of a very interesting day....

Filler #2

Too tired. Will write something tomorrow after Calc quiz. Would write now, but getting close to passing out levels. Plus, I'd like to be more mentally there in Anatomy Lecture in the morning relative to last Friday...Anyways, until then...

A Humorous Humerus

It's certainly been an interesting day. Did one more batch of anatomy studying of the appendicular skeleton and, without using the sheet, remembered each term and correctly labeled it. All 100 or so of them. Not too shabby.

Calc and Human Anatomy went pretty well, I suppose. Nothing too terribly interesting, aside from getting into rotating lines around axes in Calc (Washers...OH NOOOOOEEES!!!).

The Town Hall meeting...Admittedly, it went better than expected, though I suppose different than expected is more accurate of the evening. The whole hate crime itself wasn't really discussed at all which, again, was rather unexpected; ultimately, perhaps it was for the better, so as to not get bogged down in what is, to me, more or less a dead end of discussion waiting to happen. Doesn't mean it shouldn't have been discussed necessarily(Dean did mention the details of the event), but there, to me, isn't a whole lot to say about it.

Instead the discussion was about diversity and whatnot. Can't remember every little thing said, but Ted(can't remember his last name) said some pretty good stuff; it had something to do with the indirect effects on others via changing ourselves. As I've said to other people, individual responsibility is absolutely crucial is so many things...Just some random quotes from the evening:
RR: "You don't burn down the village to roast the pig....You can learn to disagree without being disagreeable" (both of which were others' quotes, but still)
WG: something about students and "making excellent work" and following our passions
: to faculty, allowing students to express their passions.

I feel like my comments weren't all that profound/ concise, quite frankly; my first, to answer the "What does it mean to be a diverse community", revolved around protecting the freedom/rights of individuals and that their are certain responsibilities of the individuals of the community and the community itself, but that what they specifically are are not so certain. My second one, which I said after WG's comments, revolved around the two most important assignments to me: the (first) memoir and my arthritis paper assignment. Honestly, felt kind of embarrassed after both, since, again, didn't feel like I contributed a whole lot; the whole matter probably was not helped by the fact that there were probably 150 or so students/faculty there and the fact my heart was pretty much in marathon-mode after talking that first time.

Still, I'm very glad I stayed for both the initial Town Hall and the after-session; as it were, I stayed until about 10 pm(about 3 hours total). Got to talk with some pretty cool people and meet a few new folk. Rev Rice also talked to me a little bit(more like some comments here and there); he suggested that I consider teaching, as well as becoming a doctor. In addition, he mentioned something along the lines of being curious about/ looking forward to the dedication section of the book(s) I'll write. Can't remember exact quote for that last bit, but something along those lines. Either way, was a little taken aback(in a good way, that is) by his comments.

Also, there was something about AM's positivity that...I don't know. It just made me, at the time, very happy and glad I stayed for the post-Town Hall thing, rather than immediately going to study.

I'll definitely have to think this whole matter over in my head some more. I just feel...different somehow. For the better, I think. And, hopefully, I can become..."better" somehow and use that improvement to help others. But the key is, improvement of the community starts with self-improvement. Or so I believe, at least.

I'll probably end up reflecting on this whole matter more some point down the road...

One other note for the day: things are really seemingly awkward with AR. Not sure what the specific reason(s) is (well, aside from everything in the past), but yeah. It's bothersome, but what can one do. As I neglected to mention in the random thoughts below, one other goal of mine is to, hopefully, patch things up there. Not sure how, but, again, I'll just let things happen and we'll see. Not gonna force the issue or anything.

That's it for tonight. Should probably get in bed soon, so I can wake up bright and early for Injection Number...7, I think? Sounds about right. No real noticeable improvement yet, though I'm still hopeful. Doesn't mean injecting won't still suck, but alas.

I suspect I'm going to have some pretty bizarre dreams this evening. We'll see, I suppose. Also, really hope I'm not tempting fate, so to speak, by doing that "specific"-themed show...

Randomness and MCAT madness

Finally, time to post. Week has been good. Wegman's banquet is always good, particularly after that 3 hour intro MCAT course. Surprisingly, don't have much work at all today. Aside from 3 hours of MCAT class, about an hour of anatomy lab studying and a half hour of anatomy lecture studying. Maybe will re-look over my Calc 2 hw, since I left some of them incomplete. Kind of hoping the professor spends time explaining the more difficult problems(as in, three graphs and how to set it up) so we don't have to spend half the class period going over hw. Alas.

Should be an interesting week, I suppose. Chance of MOAR snow/sleet mid-week, I believe. Probably won't affect classes, though, considering our GWMS professor came despite the pretty poor conditions last Wednesday. Which is a good thing, I think. The class has been interesting, so far, though I do hope we get a bit more discussion in during class. Also, cat dissection for anatomy lab. Can't say I'm particularly looking forward to that, but we'll see.

Oh yeah. Still never got to those random musings. I feel like it's a little lame to start getting into this already into the semester but alas. Just some goals/ points for this semester:
1) For a while(relatively speaking), I've been wanting answers to certain questions. I can only attest to this for myself, of course, but I'm not a particular fan of seeing only part of the picture of events(yay for vagueness). Anyways, I wish I had gotten to ask some of the more important questions in my one opportunity to clarify what happened exactly, but alas, didn't get the chance to completely ask them / I'm terrible about remembering exactly what things to ask. I don't want to press the issue, as it'd probably be particularly awkward for me to ask said person to talk about said past things. Still, I'm hopeful, sometime before graduation, I'll get the answers to those questions.
2) Dreams: I keep forgetting that I also wanted to keep track of dreams and whatnot on here or something. A recurring theme: I can't seem to actually damage anyone in my dreams. Next time I have a specific example, I shall be sure to record it, but yeah.

I feel like I had a third random thing, but it's been a while since I even thought of writing down those random thoughts, so it's possible one of them has slipped my mind. Aw well. The first one is the main one I remember wanting to mention.

Anyways, that's all I've got. Monday evening should also be interesting, depending on how that Town Hall meeting goes. We'll see, I suppose...

Darkness settles on roofs and walls...

Another wonderful weekend gone and past and, arguably, the most productive weekend I've had to date. As in, productive, but not rushing productive because I need to get that paper done for Monday productive. Little step, little step, as they say. Took the practice test for Kaplan. Not God-awful terrible, but certainly needs work. More or less what I expected. There's quite some time from now until the real deal, so plenty of time to improve.

And once again, will postpone random thoughts until another day. Tomorrow is looking like it won't be too too bad, so maybe we'll write something then. We'll see.

Until then...

Filler

Understandably, it has been a busy week and, as such, have not written anything. About to head to a lab meeting. Will be sure to update this thing sometime, if not today, tomorrow.

Delaying the not-so-inevitable

I'll get to random thoughts at a later date...Hoping to get up early in the morning. Relatively uneventful day. Doctor's visit was quick, watched some SH, ate some microwave meals...the usual stuff. Finished packing early this afternoon, so that was good. Didn't get out of bed until 10:20ish, not so good. Though, being up until 4ish will do that. Odd night for sure, last night was. I'm hoping the sound next door wasn't actually what I heard, but we'll see, I suppose.

Heading back to college in the early afternoon and then, soon enough, this semester will commence. Can't say I'm much looking forward to it, but alas.

Dread not, Dreadguy(and other assorted thoughts)

It is late in the evening, relatively speaking, and I feel like listening to some music, so what better time than to do some writing in the meantime. Once again, a few things:

1) I still don't know why I'm writing this whole thing, aside from to keep track of thoughts and for my future amusement. Perhaps I'll post the thing at some point on FB, but I do feel like a bit of a...for lack of better word, douche for, by posting the blog, somehow giving the impression of "hey look at this". I don't know...I'm odd about these kinds of things. I really shouldn't care about things like this, but I do. It's an odd thing. And I've just posted odd in two consecutive sentences. Anyways...

2) And now I've forgotten what number 2 was...Hmm...Crap. Wait...was it the name? Maybe. Hmm. Damnit. Well, was thinking about changing the name of this thing. Oh screw it.

Anyways, music time now. Boot up, Masaaki Endoh!

So, some random thoughts in what is sure to be a long as hell post.

Also:

3) This overall seems like a better alternative to the whole "memoir sequel" thing. Doing that second one was time consuming as all hell, albeit finally finished as of the day before going back for junior year. That being said, I'm glad I did get around to finally finishing that. Was certainly a very interesting year and summer, to be sure. Besides, this will let me write thoughts and the like on a daily basis, rather than thinking back on it months after the fact.

And now listening to Hallelujah covers. Rufus Wainwright is the way to go, but Cale's is damn good as well. But to each his or her own.

And...still no random thoughts. Surprise, surprise. It's getting a bit late, and my mind is going south, so perhaps it is best to save this for tomorrow. Sounds like a plan. Until then...

Nightmare Syndrome

Another quick thought: Dreams. I also say that I shall keep a log of my dreams and whatnot, but, like so many things of that nature, they remain thoughts and nice ideas and nothing more. Perhaps, in addition to daily musings, this too can serve that purpose.

Also, another thought: Names. As in, using the names of other people that I mention here. False names are a bit too complicated for me, perhaps. Maybe initials would be the best option at keeping track of people, without outright saying who is who. Or perhaps codenames...Though I suspect that might be just as complicated. Hmm...We'll figure that one out yet.

Either way, off to browse some more Sherlock or even some of There Will Be Brawl(thank you TVtropes for introducing it to me) before bed. I bid you adieu.

Late One Night....

I'll be sure to write a longer post tomorrow(well, later today...). Such is my attempt at keeping this thing going consistently. Anyways, an interesting day, I suppose. More long-terms things to talk about in my next post, including musings on still unanswered questions. Anyways, farewell for now. Stay classy, as they say.

Reborn the Monster

And so, once again, I have returned. And at this time of night, no less. I am tempted to make this my place of record of the happenings of my life or something of the sort, since writing 200-page memoirs is rather tedious and time-consuming. Just started watching The Greek Interpreter and shall continue it in the morning with a bowl of HNC. I understand that I keep saying that I shall keep this thing going on a more regular basis, and, once again, I shall do my best to keep that goal. We shall see, indeed...